January 15, 2017
“How do you do it all?”
“You have the perfect life.”
I have heard these questions/statements over the past few days. They always blow my mind and make me fumble for a response. Let me be transparent with you for a minute. Social media makes me look like I’ve got my shit together WAY more than I actually do. I think this is the case for most people. I try to be genuine, but I still mostly broadcast only the best parts of myself and my life.
How do I have so many irons in the fire at the same time? By the grace of God, that’s how. It’s His strength, not mine. I am actually a complete and utter mess. My house is pretty gross most of the time. I don’t give my husband or son the attention they deserve (though I try). My car always has this weird, rotten vegetable smell and I HAVE NO CLUE where it’s from or how to get rid of it. My dogs stink and one of them hasn’t had a bath in probably 8 months. I have Hashimoto’s, gastritis, and have been diagnosed with like 78 different anxiety disorders. I drove 13 hours to and from Virginia with my mom and son for [grad school] residency because flying gives me panic attacks and so does the thought of being away from my son for that amount of time. I do SO MUCH because I feel panicky and suffocated if I do the same thing for too long. My plate is always full. I drink way more wine than I should. I drink way more coffee than I should. I eat way more than I should and exercise way less than I should. I skipped my 10 year reunion because I’ve gained so much weight. I SUCK at managing my money. I haven’t been to church in a month and a half.
My life is not perfect – not. even. close. The only things that make my life so great have nothing to do with me. Jesus, Chase, Law, my family, Chase’s family, and our friends. Without them I am a ball of anxieties and addictions.
AND YET even with all this CRAP I have going for me, God looks at me and He sees Jesus. I am wrapped in a cloak of holiness and righteousness even though I say “shit” and judge everyone who voted for Trump and spend money online shopping instead of tithing. (I’m working on all these things.) It’s actually ridiculous, isn’t it? We love rules and boundaries as human beings. Christ has nothing to do with rules and boundaries. Its a scandal. It’s provocative and messy. It’s grace. It’s love. It’s the gospel. He loves me with reckless abandon and without pretense or judgment or laws. It doesn’t even make sense.
Anyway, I’m a mess and I don’t even know why I’m allowed in public and I just wanted to let y’all know. By His Grace. Love you all.