A Debate with Myself

March 6, 2016

We all have “one days” right? One day I’ll run a marathon, one day I’ll adopt, one day I’ll travel the world. Here’s mine.

One day I’m going to start a blog. It’s something I’ve felt led to do, but the timing has never seemed right. I don’t know specifics, like when or how or what I’ll even talk about. Probably about faith and trying to not be an asshole and puppies and Harry Potter and dark chocolate m&ms and the injustice of having a baby who thinks sleep is for the weak and counseling and anxiety. Here’s my deal – I love to write and put my thoughts down on paper (or on a text box). I have approximately eleventy billion thoughts going on at one time, so writing things down helps me get them in order, notice patterns, and makes these vapor-like ideas seem more solid and able to grasp. BUT I have a few things that have always held me back from starting this.

1. I cannot handle mean people. I’m highly sensitive and if I start a blog, I am going to be committed to being fully vulnerable and fully genuine. I will be laying my heart out for everyone to see. And not if, but when someone says something hurtful, it will wreck me. I’ve been working on having a tougher skin my whole life, but I’m still one “you look tired” away from an emotional breakdown. WHAT IF I USE IMPROPER GRAMMAR??
2. Even worse than someone being mean about what I write is the idea that literally NO ONE would read it. Who the eff cares? I mean really, I’m sure there are at least 5 people reading this status and thinking y tho? Everyone and their mama has a blog. What would I even write about? A little bit of everything and a lot of nothing? Who would read it?
3. People who have blogs think pretty damn highly of themselves, don’t they? I mean, it’s pretty lofty to not only assume that people want to read about your life, but expecting them to be encouraged, moved, amazed, etc. It’s pretty egotistical, right? And I don’t want people to think I’m like that. Even though I totally am, and this long status proves it. I want people to think I’m humble. The MOST humble, even. The best at being humble.
4. Is this just the next shiny toy? I have had so many hobbies you guys. Photography, guitar, drawing, painting, makeup, and on and on and on. And usually it lasts for a while but then I try to turn it into a job and eventually I lose my passion. If I choose to do this, I need to commit.
5. Finally, time. When in the world is this even going to happen? I’m in grad school, I’m in the middle of a move to another state, I have a marriage and an infant that I need to pour time and effort and love into, and I have a business. I put this last, though, because it’s 10:55 and I’m writing this novel about blogging on my Facebook status so I obviously have at least a little bit of time to write.

Anyway, I’m not sure why I’m posting this except to test out posting long posts with lots of words and making sure there are some people out there who have stuck with me and read this far. You da real mvp.

 

October 30, 2018

Well, here we are. It has been over 2.5 years since making this initial post on Facebook. 2 and a half years of gentle prodding by God and friends and strangers. 2.5 years of me saying, “BUT DIDN’T YOU SEE ME LIST OUT ALL THE REASONS THIS WON’T WORK???” And after 2 and a half years, the older and (very slightly) wiser Haley has some rebuttals.
1.       You cannot keep avoiding your dream because of fear. People will have different opinions than you. People will question your faith and your hope in humanity. People will call you fat. People will call you sensitive and fake and dumb. People will throw verbal stones, and it will hurt. But you are strong. You will not break because of someone else’s opinions. The world needs what you have to offer it. Don’t dim your light because you’re worried it will be too bright for some. Shine. You were made to be heard. Don’t be silenced because of fear. Fear is a liar.
2.       Even if it helps one person, it is worth it. You have always loved to write. If for no other reason than it will help your mental health. There have been so many times you have typed up long, thoughtful, researched posts and then deleted them. You felt better after just putting your thoughts down. Be honest with yourself – this blog is a huge step for you 1) because you are punching fear in the face and 2) because your ultimate goal is to write a book. Again, stop using fear as an excuse.
3.       Oh, shut up. There is a difference in being cocky and being confident in the abilities that God has given you.
4.       Clearly this has been on your mind for YEARS, so, in short, no.

5.       You’re done with school. You don’t plan on moving anytime soon. Even though life is hectic, you’re probably the most “planted” that you’ve been since you got married. Plus your activity on social media proves that you have spare time that you could be writing.

It all boils down to fear. The ultimate goal that you are trying to live out is love. Fear is the opposite of love. You can’t keep letting it hold you back. Be brave.